Manners

The first ten seconds

How you greet someone tells them, before any words, whether you're glad to see them. Royal courts had whole books on this — bows, curtseys, the right hand on the chest. The modern version is much shorter, but the idea is the same: look up, slow down, mean it.

Where the cutlery goes — and why

For hundreds of years, royal and noble households used a place setting so well-organised that you could sit down anywhere in Europe and know exactly where everything was. It still works today.

The rules of fine dining — most of them are 200+ years old, and they still work because they're polite and practical:

• Napkin on your lap — as soon as you sit down. Folded back on the chair if you leave the table briefly; on the table only when the meal is over.
• Wait for everyone — don't start eating until the host begins, or until everyone at your table has been served.
• Outside-in — when there are several forks and knives, start with the ones furthest from the plate and work inwards course by course.
• Spoon away from you — for soup, push the spoon away from yourself across the bowl. Sip from the side, not the tip.
• Match the slowest eater — don't race ahead. Pace yourself so you all finish together.
• Mouth closed when chewing — and never talk with food in your mouth. The trick: small bites, then nobody is waiting for you to finish.
• Elbows off the table — while eating. Between courses, leaning on a forearm is fine.
• Knife and fork together on the plate when you're finished — pointing to "10 past 4" on a clock face. The waiter knows you're done without having to ask.
• "Please" for things passed to you, "thank you" for things given. Every single time.

Mâm cơm — eating like a Vietnamese family

At home in Vietnam, the table is round and everything is shared from the middle. The manners are different from European fine dining, but the spirit is the same: show that you care about the people you're eating with.

Listening with your eyes

Old etiquette books spent more pages on how to talk than on how to eat. The reason is simple: a meal lasts an hour, but a conversation can last a lifetime.

• Listen with your eyes. Look at the person speaking. Don't glance over their shoulder, don't reach for your phone, don't finish their sentence for them.
• Ask one question for every thing you say. Conversation should feel like a tennis match, not a one-way race.
• Compliment specifically, criticise privately. "I loved how you played that song" is better than "you're great." And if something's wrong, say it quietly to the person, not in front of others.
• Don't interrupt. If you have something to say, hold it. The point you wanted to make will still be true in 30 seconds.
• Match the room. If everyone has gone quiet, lower your voice too. If everyone is laughing, you can be louder.
• The five forbidden questions — never ask: How much money do you make? Why aren't you married yet? Why don't you have children? How much was that? What did that cost? If a grown-up asks you, it's OK to say "I'd rather not say."
• Notice when someone hasn't spoken in a long time. Turn to them and ask their thoughts. That's the most generous thing a person can do at a table.

The invisible rules of someone else's home

Public manners — the small kindnesses

You're not at a royal banquet, but every street, lift and bus is its own little version of one. Here's how to be the person other people are quietly grateful for:

• Hold the door for the next person, even if they're 15 metres away. They'll hurry up — and that's the small win.
• Let people off the lift, the bus, the train, before you get on.
• Give up your seat to anyone older than you, anyone with a baby, anyone who looks tired.
• Headphones in shared spaces — never play music, videos, or game sounds where strangers can hear them. The world should sound like the world, not your phone.
• Cough into your elbow, not your hand. Then you can still shake someone else's hand without sharing your germs.
• Queue properly — line up at the back, no cutting. The queue is one of humanity's quiet inventions.
• Smile and say thank you to the cleaner, the waiter, the security guard, the driver. They're keeping the world running. They notice when you notice.
• If you bump into someone — even an empty chair — say "sorry" or "xin lỗi". Almost no one does, and it costs nothing.
• Hold the lift if you see someone running for it. Don't pretend you didn't see.
• Return things better than you found them — the borrowed pencil with a sharpened tip, the borrowed book with no creases, the borrowed shirt washed and folded.